Thirty (yes, 30) years ago today, I gave birth for the last
time. We now have 4 children in their 30’s. 5 years ago yesterday, Hollis and I returned
from our cruise to Alaska. On Wednesday
our newest granddaughter will be 3 months old.
One year ago today I had the mammogram that started my breast cancer
journey. There will be several
anniversaries for me in the next few weeks that I am struggling with just a
bit. I am in the middle of a 9 week
workshop for breast cancer survivors that has been really interesting. Though I am very close to lots of people, I
guess I am a pretty independent person.
I always assume that whatever I am going through, my thoughts and
feelings about it are uniquely mine. I
truly couldn’t tell you why I signed up for this workshop but it has proven to
show, first and foremost, that I am not even a little bit unique. It is faith based so it has driven home quite
deeply that I am also never, ever alone in these thoughts and feelings that I
have been experiencing. My faith has not
been tested by this journey at all but it has been wonderful to be reminded
that I am created in God’s image and that He will not desert me in any
trial.
The idea behind this workshop is that once treatment is over
and the body is healed, it doesn’t mean the survivor is whole again. Cancer fundamentally changes you in ways you
don’t see coming. While recurrence for
me is unlikely, I don’t plan to be caught by surprise again. This means that while Hollis, the boys and
their families think this chapter is completely closed, I’m on guard for it to
be reopened. I’ll see an oncologist
every six months for a long time to be on guard for any return. My basic trust in my body to be healthy is
shaken. My scars are a whole other set
of issues. I’m getting better about them
but, well, they’re still jarring at times.
Now to be sure, I do not lay awake at night
worrying about a recurrence. It’s more a
passing thought. But the thought passes
every single day. Sometimes more than
once a day. There are other ways my body
has changed. I have (and really hate)
hot flashes! I tell people they are from
the devil. They laugh; I’m not being
funny. They are ridiculously bothersome
so I take non-hormonal meds to minimize them but they are not gone. There’s a chance they never will be. Did I mention I really despise them? Mine emanate from my core and spread outward
in a most unpleasant sensation day or night.
It’s been a really hot summer here and that has made things even more of
a challenge. Let’s change the subject
before I have a hot flash. . .
Though the scars are extensive, I do have to say that I am
ridiculously blessed to have them. This fact also contributes to feeling like it’s not over.
Even though in my shallow moments I feel mutilated, I know that I am
crazy lucky to live in a time when the treatment available to me is so
incredibly amazing. As I meet more
survivors and hear their stories, I am reminded regularly that for no good
reason I can explain, I landed in front of a really good general surgeon who
didn’t just tell me what we were going to do.
He gave me a list of treatment and surgical options. He gave me a list of plastic surgeons and
told me that PRMA was a group that did really good work. He gave me a list of oncologists and told me
that he had worked well with several of them. He didn’t presume to make any decisions for
me. I’m finding out that not everyone
has that experience and it makes me really angry! I’m looking for my advocacy voice and it
might be in this area. Any one facing
the awfulness of breast cancer should know ALL of their options! There is something about going through this
experience that calls you to help others facing it. I don’t yet know how this will manifest itself
in my life but I sure feel the need to help somehow, some way.
When I was about finished with my plastic surgery treatment,
I made a video testimonial for PRMA back in May; it was just recently posted to
their website and several social media forums.
I even posted it to my Facebook page, too. It was edited pretty substantially but I like
the result. When I think about Dr.
Pisano, his nurse Kathleen and the PRMA team, I am really, deeply thankful that
they exist. The reconstruction I had is
called “DIEP Flap” and it is considered to be the gold standard in breast
reconstruction.
There are also so many “ifs”. If I had chosen implants instead of
transplanted tummy tissue, I’d probably need to have them redone in 10 years or
so; that would be at my expense. If I
had gone to a different general surgeon, I might not have been given
options. I don’t even want to talk about
the “if” of skipping my mammogram last year.
So as I face these anniversaries, I am thankful to be aware of the “ifs”. September 25th is the anniversary
of the horrible biopsy experience. September 26th
is when I got the call from my OB/GYN. I
will never forget her words. I’d had a
biopsy 5 years ago that was negative for cancer. When she called last year she said “Well, we
weren’t so lucky this time. They found
cancer in both biopsy samples.” We sat
on the news for a while so that we could get more information before telling
the boys and extended family and friends.
I was fearful like I’d never been before; I was threatened like never
before.
All those feelings are coming back as I face the
anniversaries but there’s been a bright spot.
The Patient Liaison at PRMA asked me two weeks ago if I would be
available in the evening on October 25th. “Sure,” I said. “That happens to be the one year anniversary
of my big surgery.” “I know!” she
said. “We would like to invite you to be
our honoree at the annual Bras for a Cause Gala that night.” This Gala is a fundraiser for a group called
Pink Warrior Angels. Businesses in the
area decorate a bra; really bling it out.
At the Gala, New Braunfels Fire Fighters model the bras and they are
auctioned off. Tickets sell out!! Quickly!
Hollis and I will be their guests and hopefully some family and friends
will be able to attend as well. I had no
idea such a great thing could happen to me on the anniversary of the hardest
day I’ve ever had in my life. My friends
took me gala dress shopping last weekend and we had a blast! I picked out and brought home the most
amazing dress! There will be photos for
sure and I know we will have a wonderful evening. How did I get this lucky again? I wonder if I will ever get used to using the
word lucky in conjunction with getting a life threatening, body mutilating,
brain altering disease.
Please keep me in your
prayers over the next few weeks. Pray
that I feel grateful and not threatened.
That I remember being skillfully treated with top notch medical people
and not remember being in pain. That I
remember being tenderly, carefully cared for by many people and not worry that
my body and mind are all so different now.
That I remember I am now physically healed with little chance of
recurrence and to not worry that this awful, unfair disease won’t be zero risk
until I am dead. So many of you prayed
for my healing last year and I appreciated every one of them. If you’d remember me one more time, I would
be thankful for that as well.
